It is uncomfortable to be one’s own authority but it is the only condition under which true personal power can develop. – Starhawk, The Spiral Dance
I don’t know about you, but no one taught me that I could filter feedback that was given to me based on my own goals or who I wanted to be. Instead, I absorbed every critical comment and let it reinforce my perfectionism and self-doubt. This led to psychic splintering and spending much of my adult life terrified of perceived authority figures (often viewing people as authorities when it was completely unwarranted).
The cutting words of authority figures stuck around in my psyche for quite some time. When I was younger, I didn’t have the perspective to know that all feedback comes from a certain set of values and a very particular worldview, which may or may not be similar to my own. Nonetheless I typically adopted them out of perceived obligation or survival. Simultaneously, I was always subconsciously in search of ‘mentors’ in all the wrong places. In other words, I suffered from what I call the “authority wound” which is….
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Authority Wound [n] – a wounded sense of personal power and authority developed from years of experiencing subtle or overt abuses of power.
I believe most of us have some degree of wounding around authority and power, as illegitimate authority and abuses of power are par for the course and become the water most of us swim in.
I wrote about this concept on my blog, exactly 4 years ago during the last U.S. election, a time when our collective wounding around illegitimate authority naturally gets triggered. It was one of my most popular posts and seemed to resonate widely.
“We’ve seen abuses of power so heinous, we barely flinch or notice. We’ve normalized the weaponization of fear to hold "power-over". And it’s led to some desperately seeking to retain safety and security through the current power structure, others, equating all power with violence, seeking to throw out systems altogether.” – The Authority Wound: Healing Our Relationship To Personal Power
We certainly see collective authority wounding on an institutional or societal level. We have an obsession with the idea of heroes, saviors, idolizing and pedestalizing a few, often at the expense of our own instinct or wisdom.
But the authority wound often starts on an interpersonal level, with caregivers or close relationships that betrayed our trust, made strict forceful demands, held strict rules for belonging, or made us doubt our own thoughts or emotions. Many of us who grew up in authoritative or abusive households learn to betray ourselves very early on.
What we wind up with, then, is a collective of people who fear, rather than own, their power. And when we don’t own our personal power, we fall prey to systems, structures, individuals, and beliefs that don’t allow us to use our full creative life force.
“In truth, power is neither good nor bad, power is a pure force, and how we use it, claim it, and own it, matters. As my friend, Milta Vega Cardona, a brilliant anti-racist trainer and organizer, likes to say ‘Power is delicious.’ The biggest transgression would be losing our sense of personal authority and power altogether.”
When I was navigating multiple extremely hierarchical and authoritative systems in my work and academic career, I let a lot of people tell me who I am. I believed a lot of feedback that now I would throw straight into the trash. From rigid academic supervisors, cynical senior colleagues, or burned out higher-ups of clinical programs, I’ve been told I am:
too ambitious,
naive,
idealistic,
too critical of existing systems
haven’t paid my dues/put the time in
shouldn’t mix politics with science/clinical work
need to lower my expectations
have a vision that’s too big
don’t understand how long change takes
won’t be the one to contribute to X, because other people with bigger degrees are ‘already working on it’
should wait 20 years/get a few more letters after my name and then I can make a contribution
I’m not the only one who receives these messages. Many people with a fiery passion and a big heart get told things such as this.
Over the years, I’ve learned to lower my defenses and be generous with my interpretation of feedback, especially if I requested it. I try to read the message behind the message and gauge if there’s anything useful in there. For example, when applied not to my character, but rather to a specific project, sure, I can get carried away and need to be reminded to narrow my scope. I can apply patience, or be more pragmatic.
However, now I’m wise enough to know that each of these statements reveals more about the speaker’s values and choices. More often than not, with a little prodding, I come to learn why being ‘idealistic’ or ‘ambitious’ may feel threatening to those who at one point may have felt they had to lose their drive or ideals in order to survive in a cutthroat system. If nothing else, it simply signals to me a personal or professional values difference.
Now that I’m back in academia and old familiar power structures after 8+ years working in the field, this time I have little more grit and grace. So, when I recently connected with a supervisor for feedback on a research project, and heard a familiar chorus of “you’re too naive and too ambitious,” I could take it lightly, apply it where I deemed it was needed, and throw the rest away.
I’d rather be a naive idealist who thinks she can help change some things, than a hardened cynic who has forgotten how to dream. I know what I value and I know one of my biggest strengths is to hold a unique vision with the pragmatism to take some steps toward it. I think the plight of the idealist only lays fallow when we cling rigidly to our ideals, and become no better than the cynic who has clung rigidly to archaic ways. Naiveté can mean indignant ignorance, or it can mean embracing the unknown and developing an openness to the process. Ambition is just another word for passion. And honestly, when I’m not in a room of dreamers and visionaries and creatives with some gall, I start to wither and wilt.
So cheers to the ambitious idealists, for we embody the kind of hope that this world desperately needs. May we become the mentors we once thought we needed.
Depth Work: Mind, Body & Society in Mental Health is a weekly reader-supported publication and podcast. Sharing, liking, commenting and subscribing is deeply appreciated. Thank you for being here!
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