By Dr. Patricia Varacallo, DO
Published on Feb. 13, 2025
A renowned relationship expert reveals the red flags to watch out for in men (and women) and the green flags that signal a healthy relationship.
Ken Page, LCSW, is a renowned psychotherapist, and a voice of hope for everyone seeking to find and cultivate healthy, lasting love. He is the host of The Deeper Dating Podcast, and the author of the bestselling book Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. He has been featured in O, The Oprah Magazine, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Cosmopolitan, The Advocate and more.
You’ve probably felt it before: you meet someone new, the connection feels effortless, and everything seems to fall into place. But amid the butterflies, there’s a small voice in your head whispering, Something feels off. Maybe they talk over you, dismiss your opinions, or seem a little too eager to know where you are at all times.
It’s tempting to brush off these feelings (after all, nobody’s perfect, right?…Right?) But that gut instinct is often your first clue that something’s wrong. Relationship experts call these warning signs red flags—behaviors that hint at deeper issues and can lead to emotional pain, instability, or even abuse down the road.
According to Ken Page, LCSW, a psychotherapist and host of the Deeper Dating podcast, red flags in men can surface much sooner than we think. “In many cases, we could actually spot red flags within the first 10 minutes,” he says. The catch? “If we’re really attracted, we don’t want to.” When chemistry is strong, it’s easy to overlook troubling behavior, but ignoring these early signs can lead to potential heartbreak in the long run. Recognizing red flags isn’t about being overly critical, but protecting your emotional health, setting strong, healthy boundaries from the start, and knowing when it’s time to move on.
Ahead, relationship expert Page shares how to spot the most common red flags in men (and women) and what to do when you encounter them.
While some red flags can be glaring, others are subtle and easy to overlook, especially when you’re swept up in the excitement of a new relationship. As relationship expert Page mentioned, red flags in men can show up right at the beginning. “You notice how you feel in their presence, if they’re listening to you, and how they’re looking at you.”
Conflicts are another important moment to watch for red flags. “I’ve heard it said that you can’t really know who someone is until your first real argument with them,” he notes. Disagreements are natural, but how someone handles them reveals their emotional maturity. Do they listen and try to understand your perspective? Or do they belittle, gaslight, or shut down communication? These behaviors offer clues about how healthy—or unhealthy—a relationship might become.
Ahead are some of the most common red flags in men to watch out for, according to this credentialed relationship therapist:
At first glance, love bombing can feel like you’ve hit the romantic jackpot. Think lavish compliments, over-the-top gestures, and rapid declarations of love. But this overwhelming attention isn’t always genuine. Page explains that love bombing is often a tactic to create emotional dependency, fast-tracking intimacy before trust has had time to develop.
While it might feel thrilling in the moment, this behavior can be a form of manipulation. It’s important to take a step back and ask yourself whether the relationship is moving at a healthy pace—or if you’re being swept into something too quickly.
Whether it’s substance abuse, gambling, or sex addiction, active addiction is a serious red flag. “If somebody has a substance abuse addiction, you are not going to be safe in this relationship, period, the end,” says Page. Even if you care deeply about the person, addiction introduces instability and risk into the relationship.
If you’re already involved with someone struggling with addiction, Page recommends seeking support from programs like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
Mental health challenges are a part of life for many people, and with proper support and treatment, they can be successfully managed. However, when conditions like bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or major depression are not stabilized, they can put significant strain on a relationship. Page emphasizes that having a mental health condition doesn’t define a person’s worth or character, but it does require consistent care and attention.
Serious, unmanaged mental health issues can lead to emotional volatility, communication breakdowns, and even isolation. It’s important to approach these situations with compassion, but also with clear boundaries, ensuring that your emotional health isn’t compromised in the process.
Control can start subtly—a comment about your outfit, a suggestion to spend less time with friends, or an insistence on knowing your whereabouts at all times. But over time, these small behaviors can escalate into emotional manipulation and dominance.
Page highlights that controlling behavior isn’t about care or concern; it’s about power. If your partner tries to limit your independence, belittle your choices, or dictate how you live your life, it’s a sign of deeper issues that could lead to emotional abuse.
Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and dishonesty chips away at that foundation quickly. Whether it’s lying about small things or hiding major aspects of their life, dishonesty signals a lack of respect and integrity.
Page emphasizes that dishonesty early in a relationship often indicates deeper patterns of deception. If someone isn’t truthful from the start, it’s unlikely they’ll suddenly become transparent as the relationship progresses.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic that makes you question your reality, memory, or feelings. If your partner frequently tells you that you’re overreacting, misremembering events, or being too sensitive, they may be gaslighting you.
Page identifies gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse that erodes self-confidence and can leave you feeling confused and isolated. Over time, this manipulation can make it difficult to trust your own instincts, trapping you in an unhealthy dynamic.
A little jealousy might seem harmless, even flattering, in the early stages of a relationship. But when jealousy turns into constant suspicion, accusations, or attempts to control your interactions with others, it becomes a serious red flag.
Page explains that extreme jealousy often stems from deep insecurity and can lead to controlling behavior and isolation. Healthy relationships are built on trust, not fear or possessiveness.
Kindness and generosity are fundamental to any healthy relationship. Page suggests paying attention to how your partner treats not just you, but others as well—whether it’s friends, family, or even strangers like waitstaff.
A consistent lack of kindness or generosity often points to deeper issues in a person’s character. If someone struggles to show basic empathy or consideration, it’s unlikely they’ll provide the emotional support needed for a fulfilling relationship.
If your partner frequently downplays your emotions or makes you feel like your concerns are insignificant, it’s a clear sign of emotional unavailability. Page describes this as chronic minimizing—making you feel small, unheard, or invalidated.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable expressing their feelings and know that their emotions will be respected and valued. Consistently feeling dismissed is a sign that your emotional needs aren’t being met.
Money issues can create significant stress in a relationship, especially if one partner is financially irresponsible. While having debt isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker, how someone handles their finances can reveal a lot about their values and stability.
Page differentiates between manageable debt and more serious issues like reckless spending or stealing. Profoundly unstable finances, especially when coupled with dishonesty or secrecy, can lead to long-term relationship strain.
So, what should you do if you notice a red flag? Do you run for the hills or confront the issue head-on?
According to Page, the approach depends on the severity of the behavior. “No matter what, you should discuss these things with your partner unless there’s dangerous abusive behavior,” he says. In cases of physical or emotional abuse, it’s important to prioritize your safety. “You need to create an escape plan with a professional who is skilled in this before you discuss it with your partner. The risk when you leave an abusive partner is profound—for you and for your children if you have them.”
For less severe issues, open and honest communication is key. “Talk about it with them, and get help,” he advises. Couples therapy can be especially effective, but it’s important to find a licensed therapist who specializes in the issues you’re facing, whether it’s financial problems, emotional distance, or infidelity.
The difference between red flags vs yellow flags lies in their severity. Red flags are serious behaviors that compromise your emotional or physical safety, such as abuse, cruelty, or infidelity. Page describes abuse as sitting firmly at the top of the red flag hierarchy, indicating immediate cause for concern and a reason to end the relationship.
Yellow flags, on the other hand, are less severe but still important to address. These might include occasional insensitivity, emotional distance, workaholism, or difficulties with communication. According to Page, yellow flags often appear when a partner struggles to meet certain emotional needs, but this doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. Instead of being a sign to walk away, yellow flags can highlight areas where deeper communication and mutual effort are needed. For instance, if your partner has trouble expressing emotions or listening effectively at times, these are issues that, with patience, understanding, and, if necessary, professional support can be worked through together. However, it’s crucial that both partners are willing to acknowledge the problem and actively work toward positive change.
While spotting red flags is essential for avoiding unhealthy relationships, recognizing green flags is just as important. Green flags are the signs of a healthy, supportive, and emotionally available partner—traits that form the foundation for a strong, lasting relationship.
Page references advice from his colleague, Hara Estroff Marano, editor-at-large of Psychology Today, who says, “The three Cs you must look for in a relationship are character, character, and character.”
Here are some major green flags to look for in men (and women):
While it’s important to recognize red flags in others, building healthy relationships also means taking an honest look at yourself. Self-awareness is key to understanding how your own behaviors, habits, and unresolved issues might be affecting your relationships. Page highlights the importance of identifying your flight patterns—the ways you might unknowingly push love away. This could look like pulling back emotionally when things get serious, sabotaging relationships that feel too close, or consistently choosing partners who can’t meet your emotional needs. By reflecting on past relationships and recognizing how fear or unresolved issues might be influencing your behavior, you can break unhealthy patterns and build stronger, more fulfilling connections. Journaling, asking trusted loved ones for honest feedback, learning new communication skills, and working with a licensed therapist can help uncover these patterns and offer practical tools for change.
But self-awareness doesn’t stop at noticing these behaviors—it’s about understanding where they come from. “Inside of all of our defenses lies a wound,” Page explains, referring to past experiences like childhood struggles, heartbreak, or emotional neglect that shape how we respond to love today. Beneath those wounds, however, are hidden strengths—qualities that, when acknowledged, can help you build emotional resilience and form deeper, more authentic connections with others. And it’s absolutely OK to seek support from a trusted, licensed professional to help uncover what these strengths are.
By becoming aware of your patterns and learning healthier ways to navigate relationships, you create a foundation for lasting, meaningful connections. This not only improves your relationships with others but also deepens the relationship you have with yourself.
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